How to Make an Awesome Pineapple Bag

Apparently pineapples are all the rage this summer. I didn't know this, being anti-fad myself, but my favorite TV show is Psych, and you can't love Psych and not love pineapples. So I made myself a pineapple cosmetic bag. And I love it.
How does a Soup Sandwich make a pineapple bag? Well, here's how, but you Type A people, be warned. The following will make you want to go organize something.

Step one: Wander through the fabric store and stumble upon pineapple-esque fat quarters. Buy one immediately.

Step two (optional): Ponder for days what to make with your amazing find.

Step three: Realize you need a new cosmetic bag. Run to your sewing machine immediately.

Step four: Fold fat quarter in half hamburger-ways (short-ways), right side out.

Step five: Cut 3 to 4 inches off the side, depending on how fat you want your pineapple. Set aside.

Step six (optional): Rummage frantically around your scrap pile for something that would resemble the top of a pineapple. Mentally kick yourself for giving away the bright green lace that would have cut seven steps out of this sewing project. Finally find some green fabric that will do just fine.

Step seven: Cut the green piece about 8 inches high and about 2 inches shorter than your pineapple fabric. Fold green fabric hamburger way (again, that’s short ways) inside out.

Step eight: Fold side down, sew asymmetric, wonton zigzags across the green fabric that would give your type A sister a heart attack. Leave about 1 ½ inches from the bottom of the zigzags to the bottom of the fabric fold.

Step nine: Trim between zigzags.

Step ten: Try to turn zigzags right side out. Good luck.

Step eleven (optional): Realize you accidentally made one zag too low, making it impossible to turn the green strip right side out, and now your stuck with an irreversible green fabric blob. Throw across room.
Repeat steps 10-12.

Step twelve: Line green zigzags up across the folded side of the pineapple fabric. Center so you have about 1 inch of extra pineapple fabric on either side. The bottom of the zigzags should be at the top of the pineapple fabric, leaving a green strip overlapping the pineapple fabric.

Step thirteen: Sew a line right below the bottom of the zigzags and a line on the bottom of the green strip, so you have two parallel lines about one inch apart.

Step fourteen (optional): Realize that you have to leave the house in 10 minutes and you have to fix something you somehow messed up along the way, so give up for the night. You’re way too stressed about it anyways, and the baby is crying.

Step fifteen (optional): Return in the morning refreshed and not stressed. Realize you didn’t mess up too badly after all.

Step sixteen: Thread ribbon through hole.

Step seventeen: Switch to gold thread (then realize it’s not as strong as it advertises to be and try not to curse in your head as it snaps constantly while you try to load the bobbin [optional]).

Step eighteen: Fold pineapple inside out (zigzags in) and sew sides together. Make sure you don’t sew the ribbon!

Step nineteen: With sturdy thread (not the flimsy gold crap), sew by hand around the bottom. Use big stitches (1 cm or ½ inch), then pull together to gather it.

Step twenty: Turn right side out. Promptly pat yourself on the back and proclaim your brilliance to the world (not optional). You’ve done it, you genius, you!